Successfully Manage Difficult Conversations With Resilience
Commitment and confidence are vital resilience traits. Leaders need them in bucket loads as they’re of enormous benefit when giving negative feedback. Luckily, my fail-safe five-step process will help you to massively strengthen those attributes.
When things go well, feedback is easy – just tell them how brilliant they were! But providing feedback on performance management, attendance, or even hygiene concerns, is challenging. That’s when procrastination can creep in.
How Does the Word ‘Feedback’ Make You Feel?
On hearing the word ‘feedback’, many people will immediately think the worst; that they’re in trouble or done something wrong.
During one of my workshops, an attendee shared how his boss pulled him aside late one Friday saying that he wanted to give him some feedback on his return from holiday. With a sinking heart, he agreed. But realising he would be worrying about what he may have done wrong all holiday, he returned to his boss and explained why he needed to have the chat now. The boss replied, “There’s no issue! You did so brilliantly that I want to know how you did it to replicate it in the future.”
So, when you next need to provide feedback, just ask for a chat instead!
Preparation is Key
Winging it never works – unexpected things occur, you get flustered, emotions rise, and nothing gets resolved.
Whereas resilient leaders ensure that they’re fully prepared to the point of … what the individual may bring up during the conversation. This helps you confidently return to your main points, clarifying what’s expected of them.
Feeling well prepared increases your confidence, which helps to keep everyone relaxed and you in control of the situation. Here’s how:
The 5-Step Process for Holding Difficult Conversations
- Space – Where will the discussion be held? The individual will need to feel safe, so a private room will allow you to have an open, honest and rational conversation.
- State – Ideally, both parties need to be in a clear and rational state of mind. The other person’s state can be improved in the way you approach them (more on this later). When you’re fully prepared, you’re more relaxed and able to hold a rational conversation without it becoming argumentative. Because when decisions are made in an emotional state, they rarely end well.
- Safe – How will you open the conversation in a way that helps the individual feel safe, positive, and remain in a rational state of mind?
It’s easy when you’re providing positive feedback. But when you need to discuss underperformance, tread with care. Immediately acting like a bull in a china shop, saying, “About your performance, it’s not good, is it?” will make people respond defensively or emotionally. Instead, try these safer, more positive conversation openers:
- How are you doing these days?
- How was your weekend/the footie/the family?
- How do you think things are going?
That last question often works well, but be aware that some people may respond defensively with: “Why do you ask? What do you mean?” But in my experience, 90% of the time people say exactly what you needed to say as they’ve already recognised their need to improve in that area.
- Surfacing – As you approach the nub of the issue, you’ll discover that three types of people and responses tend to appear:
- Rational, accepting people who see this as a developmental opportunity.
- Those in denial who think they’re brilliant, so provide hard evidence to prove where they’re underperforming.
- Angry, emotional people who will feel offended or personally attacked. Handle with care! Allow them space to vent their anger and opinions before responding. Ask typical coaching, open questions to help them think about what’s happening, like: “I hear what you’re saying, and yet we have this issue. In your opinion, how can we move forward?”
You may have instigated this conversation, but emotional people need to feel heard. Be prepared to listen more and talk less. Remember the golden rule of giving feedback: it’s for the receiver’s benefit, not yours. If you start the conversation wanting to get things off your chest and rid of the problem, things often become worse because you’re doing it for your benefit, not theirs.
So, lead the conversation knowing that it’s for their improvement. That could mean training, coaching, or something else that comes to light as they vent.
Once the issue is evident – performance dropped because of a job change, a situation you’re unaware of, or something outside of work – it’s time to make a plan.
- Sharing Actions – Agree an action plan, e.g., regular daily, weekly or monthly check-ins. Give them a choice.
This is your chance to ask what they think they can do to change or improve the situation. Then ask how, as their boss, can you support them in that. This approach empowers them to share their ideas and allows you to demonstrate vulnerability; you’re ostensibly saying, “I may be the boss, but I need your assistance to know how I can support you better, helping you to be your best at work.”
Remember: Feedback Should Benefit the Receiver, Not You
Best carried out in a coaching style, deliver feedback by asking questions and inviting opinions. There may be a point where telling and mentoring is needed, so get the balance right between the two.
It’s normal for your confidence and resilience to waver when faced with difficult conversations. That’s why being fully prepared and being clear on how to start them is crucial. It takes practise, and practise makes progression, not protes … perforat … PERFECTION!
